Academic Practice with Focus on BA Fashion Design

1. Embodied Methodology – Reflection on my first dialogue (1 of 7 dialogues) – An explosion of data and methods I did not anticipate.
2. Analyse Data
3. Autoethnographic Research – (ethnographic research)
4. Photographic Essay/Diary

1. Embodied Methodology – Reflection on my first dialogue (1 of 7 dialogues) – An explosion of data and methods I did not anticipate.

The naïve researcher

At the very beginning of Sage Research Methods Social Research: A Practical Introduction, SAGE Publications, 2011, they suggest a spiral as a visualisation for the analytical process. However, having completed my 7 one-to-one dialogues it feels to me more like an explosion of possible routes, methods, data collection etc. than a spiral because even if the act of spiralling could be interpreted as uncertain or confusing it is still linear suggesting a beginning and an end. I on the other hand felt completely overwhelmed after the first dialogue having a starting point with numerous outward-pointing endpoints and numerous methods on the way, thus choosing the word explosion.

The same paragraph explains that at the starting point is the naïve researcher and at the end there will be the researcher with greater knowledge. This I relate to very much. As I have never undertaken a research project with actual participants, I did not anticipate the immense number of possibilities regarding research, research methods and data collection all originating from a small research project including just 7 dialogues. Therefore, I felt very naïve after my first dialogue and now having completed the 7 dialogues already so much more knowledgeable.

Embodied methodology

As my teaching mostly consists of one-to-one tutorials, I was fairly confident that I could handle those dialogues for my ARP. Yet, when I did my first dialogue, I was overawed by the presence of an actual adult human being in front of me and my responsibility to ensure a safe environment for this intimate dialogue. This feeling partly originated from having had spent a long time refining the ethics form; partly because I didn’t know my colleague so well and partly perhaps because of who I am.

Consequently, I was taking in more the first participant’s non-verbal communication and body language than the actual verbal responses. I counted how many chocolate truffles the participant ate; I noticed that the participant’s eyes were tearful twice; I realised that my participant took on a slightly slouched, relaxed position on the chair which I literally copied because I didn’t dare to sit straight to avoid appearing taller and therefore, superior than my participant; and I observed that my participant looked out of the window when trying to focus just like I do, etc. I completely relied on the recording device on my phone and now understand so much better why many of my students record my tutorials.

One could argue that since it was my first dialogue, I was more nervous, my senses were heightened and my experience therefore, possibly different than during my 7^th dialogue. However, regarding copying my participant’s posture I am aware that I have imitated other people’s sitting positions in the past. In Embodied Methodology by Torkild Thanem & David Knights I found two quotes which reflect and explain my experience well. Merleau-Ponty argues in The Phenomenology of Perception that ‘it is the body, then, and the perceptual nature of the body, which involves us in things (p. 215) and puts us in contact with the world, with other people and with ourselves.’ By imitating somebody else’s body posture, I am mentally in touch with them and myself and possibly understand them better.

Embodied Methodology goes further explaining ‘The profoundly social nature of our bodies is further elaborated through his concept of ‘the intentional arc’: while our body schemas make us ‘totally’ aware of our own posture in the intersensory world (p. 114), the dynamic form of the intentional arc subtends in a broader sense our consciousness, desire and perception by projecting around us our past and future, our human setting, and our physical, ideological and moral situation (p. 157).’ This again relates very much to my experience of being not only aware of my participant’s body language but also of my own body and posture. As it states that our consciousness is further enfolded and supported perhaps this is another reason for my mental state of overload.

In the same text the book The Vulnerable Observer: Anthropology That Breaks Your Heart, by Ruth Behar (1996) is mentioned: ‘shares her personal experience of grief and loss. For Behar, the ‘body is a homeland … where knowledge, memory and pain is stored’ (p. 134).’ This statement supports the significance of my physical dialogues because according to Ruth Behar my participants’ (and my) body represents a physical storage of lived knowledge and memory which I would have missed if I had done a questionnaire or brief interview.

Conclusion:

As mentioned earlier it is important to stress that this is a small research project and therefore, this fact will help me to select and focus on certain methods and put others on hold for now. The above text demonstrates my awareness of and interest in embodied methodology however, I will not utilise it for the ARP because it is not realistic in my given timeframe.

Simultaneously, I could imagine that this will become an important part in future research projects because for somebody like me who finds verbal conversations very exhausting and only enjoyable to an extent the focus on the body as a tool for expression and understanding continues to be appealing and stimulating.  

Further, having been a performance artist and reacting to dress and space often through bodily or physical movement it makes sense to utilise bodies for future research methods, too. Interestingly Julie Phillips connects creativity and motherhood through bodies in The Baby on the fire escape – Creativity, Motherhood, and the Mind-Baby Problem, 2022, p. 21: Creativity thrives on physical sensations and strong feelings. Mothering, too, begins, if not in pregnancy or childbirth – neither one a requirement or a given – then in the sensuous or comforting touch of parent and child.   

2. Analyse Data

On my ethics form I already had established that I will focus on an emergent approach to qualitative data as opposed to quantitative data and I will continue to do so. At the same time, I will aim to keep an open mind and perhaps embark on a mix of methodologies whichever seems most appropriate to my transcript and also considering the below text which suggests that one can utilise more than just one method.

In Creative research methods in the social sciences: a practical guide by Helen Kara it states, ‘In qualitative terms you could of course focus your analysis on the themes from the academic literature that you used to facilitate the discussion in the first place.’ This method seems very clear and focussed. Additionally, relating a theme directly back to references can lend the research a certain weight or justification and therefore, I will try this method to an extent. However, perhaps it could also prevent me from uncovering and seeing other findings.

The text continues explaining that data analysis is complex, and it is vital to not invent or distort data but also that there is no ‘best way’ or ‘right answer’. As I recorded the audio of the 7 dialogues, I have now endless transcripts and numerous things to consider when trying to extract data from the transcripts. The text asked similar questions as I did during my dialogue: ‘Should you record non-speech sounds that people make, such as laughter, coughs, sighs and so on? If so, how? Do you record pauses? If so, do you measure their length, or just note each occurrence? When transcribing video data, should you include body movements, gestures, information about the surrounding environment? How do you lay out your transcription on the page, and how do you identify the different speakers/actors in the transcript?’

During the dialogue I wondered: Should I record the visible distress of the participant and if so, how? I made the spontaneous decision to say something like ‘it clearly affected you and still is present now’ – when only audio recording is used the ‘behavioural or physical performative’ data is invisible – how do I make it visible? How neutral am I supposed to be? Was I too intrusive and bias by even having said it and therefore, making it visible?

Or at the beginning of the dialogue some of the participants did not want to turn on the light and again I felt an immediate connection and was afraid to being ‘too bias’. But I was also aware of things like, oh, she likes the snacks, that’s great, she keeps eating them, she seems comfortable etc. I can continue talking as she seems not too stressed about time yet etc.

According to the text there are two main methods when analysing talk or in my case dialogues: discourse analysis and conversation analysis. The conversation analysis focusesnot only on the words but also on all the other ‘non-words’ such as pauses, laughter, ‘um’, volume of speech etc. The book describes it as the following: ‘Conversation analysis (CA) is an evolving analytic method based on the idea that any verbal interaction is worth studying to find out how it was produced by the speakers (Liddicoat 2011: 69).’

The book provides the following description for discourse analysis (DA): ‘Discourse analysis is based on the concept that the way we talk about something affects the way we think about that phenomenon. ‘Discourse’ in this context doesn’t refer solely to talk itself; it refers to talk that is constructed within the constraints of a social structure.’

Conclusion:

Both conversation analysis and discourse analysis represent to me quite complex concepts and applying them without possessing more knowledge would seem to me that I would run the risk of being illusive in the sense that I would see things in my dialogues which might not be truthful.

In the same text Michael Corman, from the University of Calgary in Qatar utilised DA when selecting sections from nine interviews with mothers by developing predetermined questions such as:

• Why is the subject matter being brought up now and in this way?
• How is participants’ talk being used to make claims?
• How do participants make their talk persuasive?

I am adding this to my conclusion because I think I could try out similar questions as my subject are also mothers. Through those above questions Corman reveals how the mothers constructed their realities and created their own meanings. It also created an ‘increased understanding of the ‘mothers’ stress factors and coping mechanisms.’ As ‘stress factors’ and ‘coping mechanism’ could be key themes in my findings I should probably explore this method and bear in mind for future research projects.

3. Autoethnographic Research – ethnographic research – related to motherhood and my art practice

As the making of my most recent art project Princess Dress Continues is tightly interlinked with the ARP, I investigated autoethnographic research because my art projects are often about myself or parts of my life. At first, I came across the term ethnographic research which constitutes one part of the word autoethnographic research and is strongly related to it. I realised that ethnographic research could become one of my research methods if I developed the ARP into a future project.

Having chosen a particular community of participants who are mothers and work on the CSM BA Fashion course, and having conducted in-depth dialogues in a workplace which represented a different form of interviews my ARP could be described as the beginning of ethnographic research. However, vitally the lengthy participant observation is missing and therefore, my ARP cannot be ethnographic research yet.

According to Sage Research Methods, Social Research: A Practical Introduction in Chapter 4, ethnographic research is: ‘the study of cultural groups or communities in their natural settings. These settings include villages, neighbourhoods, workplaces, and any other venue in which a group of people with some shared characteristic may be found. The primary method used by ethnographers is participant observation – a form of fieldwork. In ethnographic research, such observation is often accompanied by other methods, particularly in-depth interviews and the analysis of existing records.’

The same text examines autoethnography which is in the first instance the study of the self.

I had never heard about the terms ethnography, autoethnography or autoethnographic research until my tutor introduced me to it generating a new way for me to perceive and understand my own art practice. Initially, the term constituted for me an ‘academic reasoning and justification’ for my artwork which perhaps should be insignificant however, after many years of not producing any artwork, I experience an even bigger lack of confidence than previously and therefore, gladly embraced my new discovery.

Multiple layers of consciousness

Further, I am fascinated how the definition of autoethnographic research baresclose resemblance not only to my state of mind and ways of working on my art projects but also the state of motherhood. Multiple layers of consciousness represent one key term of autoethnography and are described as getting increasingly blurred at times. When looking at my current art film I am combining personal footage with artistic footage exploring the notion of different identities such as mother and artist.

Additionally, in my art film I share the role of the artist with my daughters by putting my camera into their hands and therefore, revealing my motionless self through the eyes of my daughters. Carolyn Ellis writes: ‘as an autoethnographer, I am both the author and the focus of the story, the one who tells and the one who experiences, the observer and the observed, the creator and the created. I am the person at the intersection of the personal and the cultural, thinking and observing as an ethnographer and writing and describing as a storyteller.’ (Ellis, 2009: 13)

The above can also be referred to motherhood as for instance in the book The Baby On The Fire Escape – Creativity, Motherhood, and the Mind-Baby Problem by Julie PhillipsLouise Erdrich writes ‘parents live and work with a divided consciousness’ and Lisa Baraitser ‘looks at what could be gained from embracing a shared self’. Further, while a woman is being a mother and brings up her children she could be interpreted as writing the story of her children’s life and being ‘the author and the focus of the story’.

A good story

In the same Sage Research Methods text Robert J. Nash provides ten guidelines for autoethnographic writers which I can relate to my art practice as I am interested in communicating a narrative through visual films. I find Robert J. Nash’s list liberating lending me further confidence because a lot of times I was questioning my ‘subjective’ way of working in that I was often concerned about the story’s flow and aesthetic seemingly neglecting academic rigour. Robert J. Nash advises ‘always try to tell a good story’ including ‘plot, colourful characters, suspense, a climax, etc.’ and ‘show some passion’ and ‘resist the conventional academic temptation to be “objective” – stoical, qualified, subdued and distant’ (2004: 63). Finally, he advocates open-ended stories to invite the reader or viewer to reflect on numerous possible viewpoints. Once more this reflects my way of working as the narratives in my artworks resemble more a compilation of fragments and moments without real conclusions or endings so that the viewer is able to continue the story in their mind.  

Aesthetic merit

The Sage Research Methods Social Research A Practical Introduction text mentions Laurel Richardson whose notion around aesthetic aligns with Robert J. Nash’s ‘good story’. She asks in Evaluating ethnography. Qualitative Inquiry, 6, 253–254 ‘Is there aesthetic merit?’ and ‘Is the text artistically shaped, satisfying, complex, and not boring?’. The fact that Laurel Richardson values the term ‘aesthetic’ in context with autoethnographic research evokes strong feelings of reassurance and understanding in me because my work and life evolves around aesthetic.

Emotional Impact

Additionally, Laurel Richardson elevates the general key research question ‘does it have impact?’ to another level in that she includes its emotional force rather than measuring the number of people who read the book or saw the film. By doing this Laurel Richardson believes that this will stimulate new realms of research. Again, this thought resonates with me because when I began my art practice around 23 years ago the emphasis on impact did not exist instead the focus was on the quality of the work. Ideas and work of outstanding merit would be given an opportunity. This enabled me to receive funding and show in renowned places such as the V&A and ICA immediately after graduating. Once the question around ‘impact’ was introduced I had found it much more difficult to secure funding. 

Narcissism

There is an issue around the autoethnographic research methodology in that it can be associated with ‘narcissism’ according to the Sage Research Methods Social Research A Practical Introduction text or with ‘self-indulgence’ as described in Autoethnography: Self-Indulgence or Something More? by Andrew C. Sparkes. However, Mark Freeman suggests in Rewriting the self: History, memory, narrative. that autoethnographic work ‘might be of value to someone besides ourselves’ (Freeman, 1993: 229). I, too, use the term ‘self-indulgence’ in context with my artwork frequently suggesting doubts and lack of confidence. On the other hand, I have stated many times “If I think something I have to remember that I share those thoughts with millions of other people and therefore, there is a connection and possibly a value even if the viewer just gets reassured”. This very much relates to Mark Freeman’s thinking.

Reflection

In Sage Research Methods Social Research, A Practical Introduction Carolyn Ellis writes 1999: Autoethnography is an autobiographical genre of writing and research that displays multiple layers of consciousness. Back and forth autoethnographers gaze, first through an ethnographic wide-angle lens, focusing outward on social and cultural aspects of their personal experience; then, they look inward, exposing a vulnerable self that is moved by and may move through, refract, and resist cultural interpretations. As they zoom backward and forward, inward and outward, distinctions between the personal and cultural become blurred, sometimes beyond distinct recognition.

In my ARP research I am utilising the emergent approach originating from the nature of Princess Dress Continues and talk Notes on Motherhood where I presented the beginning of the artwork to the CSM Fashion Research and Knowledge Exchange community. I have never shared work in progress before instead I always only showed completed work. The unfinished nature of the piece invited the audience to participate in forming further findings and questions which are informing both my artwork and active research project. The artwork itself emerges through reacting to evolving circumstances including the ARP and sharing the role of the artist with my daughters by putting the camera into their hands.

My ARP project focusses on an emergent approach to qualitative data over time which means every process constitutes a point of reflection and emerging themes relating to each other, sometimes in a back-and-forth flow. Reflection has always been and remains a vital part of my art practice. I have always utilised talks, exhibitions, and reactions from members of the audience to inform and grow my work further. I enjoyed the slight random nature of incorporating a stranger’s advice into my way of working and therefore, lending my process and work a sense of spontaneity. One viewer’s comment influenced me to be more radical and emotional within my act of performance which then led me to secure funding from a dance institution without having a dance background.

In context to autoethnography Anderson mentions analytic reflexivity. His description reflects my approach and project and relates to the significance of my dialogues well: ‘Reflexivity involves an awareness of reciprocal influence between ethnographers and their settings and informants. It entails self-conscious introspection guided by a desire to better understand both self and others through examining one’s actions and perceptions in reference to and dialogue with those of others.’ Anderson L. 2006. Analytic autoethnography. Journal of Contemporary Ethnography, 35(4), 373–395.

As I am investigating motherhood, lived experiences and wisdom constitute an integral part of the project. To reflect this in my approach I have held 7 dialogues with CSM BA Fashion staff. As opposed to interviews the position of participants changes in dialogues in that both the participants and I, the project initiator, are on the same level emphasising and confirming the active and collective involvement of the participant in the project and its outcome.

Despite existing negative voices around autoethnographic research because of its association with Narcissism, loose methods and therefore, questionable validity Sage Research Methods Social Research: A Practical Introduction is supportive towardsautoethnographic research methods because of its increasing popularity: On the positive side, autoethnography is an increasingly popular form of self-expression and is aligned with the most rapidly developing, contemporary technologies. We believe its popularity creates an imperative to harness and use autoethnography as research.

4. Photographic Essay/Diary

Autoethnographic texts can take on many different forms including photographic essays.

My new artwork Princess Dress Continues which is autobiographic consists of endless animated personal and artistic photographs and therefore, resembles a photographic essay or even diary.

The reason for choosing the medium of endless animated still photographs combined with actual videos was my observation of how my preadolescence daughter creates films of herself and her friends on her phone consisting of a mixture of slideshow and short video clips originating from her phone library, a source of endless photographs and videos.

By making the conscious decision of utilising my preadolescence daughter’s approach to filmmaking I do not contribute to advancing new technology however, I utilise a popular communication tool and significantly, a widespread way of self-expression among youth and therefore, adopt their language, actively invite youth to participate in my work and I engage with the Zeitgeist.

Sage Research Methods Social Research: A Practical Introduction concludes:

Autoethnography is an increasingly popular form of self-expression, and is aligned with the most rapidly developing, contemporary technologies and media. Variants of autoethnography seem to capture the Zeitgeist or spirit of the age.

Being a visual artist and simultaneously not being able to visually document the ARP dialogues because of having to protect the participants’ anonymity I developed a different form of visual documentation of the dialogues which resulted in a photographic essay or diary. I took pictures of the space including table and chairs prior and after the dialogue imagining capturing the remaining aura of the bodies’ and words’ presence after the participants had left the space.

This photographic essay or diary represents data which I could analyse however, as mentioned previously due to the given short timeframe I will not utilise it for the ARP. Also, as the dialogues required a lot of focus and work, I sporadically missed to take the photos in time and therefore, this method does not feel rigorous enough to use as reliable data.

Having now uploaded all the photographs it became apparent how valuable those photographs are because they function as another layer of memory for me and remind me on so many nuances and emotions during each sitting even things like who liked the light off; offering my tissues for wiping tears; forgetting to ask about allergies; being too ill to sit through a second dialogue and realising how mentally exhausting the dialogues are etc.

Please, note that I uploaded the actual photographic essay/diary of the dialogues under a separate section because the point is that it works without words.

My findings consist of 4 themes each with 4 double identified subgroups (except the 4th theme), 1 original data and 1 selected image with a brief annotation representing my wider context.

Bodily Reality

• Being pregnant at CSM or Waddling Body and Bursting Bladder at a Fashionable CSM

• Giving birth or Bodily Tsunami

• Returning to work after pregnancy at CSM or Returning to CSM while in Bodily Trauma and Bond

• Breastfeeding at CSM or Bodily Pain, Fluids and Demoralising Negotiation at CSM

Quoted Data:

“I remember for me going back to work was the most out of body experience I ever had in my life. So much more than giving birth and the kind of postpartum week.…and it felt so unreal, like what ..am I trying to do here when I should be at home. I felt very strongly that it was wrong, but I also had to do it. I kind of knew I had to ease myself back into it. But it was very uncomfortable.”

Book: Motherhood by Ann Coxon, 2023:

Rineke Dijkstra 1959 –

Julie, Den Haag, Netherlands, February 29 1994 1994

“This photographic portrait, one of three, was created one hour after the woman had given birth to her baby. Posing naked in her home for Dijkstra’s camera, the woman shows vulnerability and strength. This is what new motherhood looks like. Stripped of clothing and protectively cradling their naked babies, the women remind us of the raw, biological fact of the mother’s body as the place in and through which all human life begins.”

Reason for selecting image:

I chose this picture because I feel it expresses my theme ‘Bodily Reality’ very well. It was part of one of the early exhibitions in Tate Modern called ‘Cruel and Tender’ in 2003 and stayed in my mind ever since.

Renegotiating Career

• Motherhood and Work in the fashion industry or Motherhood and Work Made Impossible in Fashion Industry

• Motherhood and Work at CSM (BA Fashion) or Motherhood is Zero Recognised at CSM

• Childcare or Charity Work

• Motherhood and Teaching or Teaching is not My First Choice

Quoted Data:

“I saw that pregnant women were immediately fired or would not return to work. If they did return to work, they were pushed out. And being completely honest, although it’s not very admirable of me to say, I don’t think that I would be working in education if I hadn’t had the wish to become a mother.”

From Tate Britain exhibition: Women in Revolt! Art and Activism in the UK 1970-1990

Image annotation:

Shirley Verhoeven 1932-1999

Born England, worked UK

Portfolio 1989

Pen and coloured pencil on paper

Verhoeven worked as an illustrator at Camberwell Borough Council, Decca Records and advertising agency developing promotional materials for West End theatres. In 1962, following the birth of her first child she stopped creating art work and took a job in Woolworth to support her growing family. In 1982, at the age of 50, Verhoeven began seeking creative work again. Portfolio was part of the portfolio she devised in her successful pursuit of paid work. It depicts an archetype young woman executive in the 1980s, dressed in a sophisticated ‘power’ suit and using the latest technology.

Reason for selecting image:

I chose this image because it illustrates perfectly the professional ‘self’, the self which seems so far from the mother-self. The artist Shirley Verhoeven experienced exactly what my theme ‘Renegotiating career’ means. She is the mother of one of my unique colleagues who is a famous fashion illustrator and artist.

Forever evolving Divided Selves – Personally and Interpersonally

• Internal Divide Being A Mother or Old and New Self – I can’t quite fit the 2 together.

• Internal Divide Being A Mother and A Professional or Being Professional Means Hiding Being a Mother
• Divide Between Parents And Non-Parents or You are one of them until you become a mum yourself.
• Dividing Mothers & Non-Mothers into other Mother- Selves or Non-Parents Wanting to be Mothered

Quoted Data:

“I think there is a shame that you feel, shame that you feel as a professional person to be also a family woman.”

Artist-Mother

• Artist and Professional

• Artist and Motherhood

• Dichotomy – Art and Child – what comes first?

• Artist, Mother and Professional

Quoted Data:

“But equally it feels like my creative work, not working for other people, but my creative, my need to make things, to design or to draw or to whatever, also feels like an absolute like something in spite of me. It’s not like I can just switch it off. And so it’s just been very difficult to know how to give importance to those 2 things.”

SURPRISING FINDINGS

• the findings seem massive/endless despite being such small project, it feels like this is a foundation for a book. I am at the beginning of the graph
• Every time I read a new damaging word it twisted my stomach:  ‘not worthy, ashamed, a bit embarrassed, …’ – this comprises an age range from early 30s to 60 year old, there is a lot of pain
• The harshness to themselves and the constant fear of being labelled and not good enough; being so extremely critical themselves towards any associations with motherhood, one cannot win such as mothering, mumsy are ‘dirty words’; if you as mother appear ‘too perfect’ it is your fault. – and on the other side the majority explained that they are ‘kinder, softer and compassionate’ towards students since having become a mother
• The endless divisions and evolving identities, it seems like an endless transformation physically and mentally: mother, ‘bad mother’: mother doubt, the one who always is banging on about being a mother; former identity; working mother; work-self, non-parent, artist; being the mothering type with or without own children.

KEYWORDS

• difficult, hard
• difficult to balance
• challenge
• pressure
• I was close to breaking.
• it kind of felt like I was asked to prioritise work over being with your child.
• being stressed
• no sleep
• I used to feel a bit embarrassed
• You shouldn’t feel ashamed
• guilt
• disconnected
• unprofessional
• respect
• being late for school
• doing drop offs
• flexibility
• sometimes you just don’t have a choice
• wanting to work
• selfish
• luxury
• indulgent
• multitasking
• denial
• time and effort
• hide Motherhood
• Mother doubt
• Mumsy
• self-victimising
• soft
• kind
• compassionate
• sympathy
• compromise
• privilege
• sacrifice
• shock
• incredible love
• unique experience
• hardship
• cloud
• mental haze
• nourishment
• propriety
• appropriate
• proper
• separation anxiety
• not worthy
• shame
• essential mothering

Information Sheet

Consent Form

THIRD AND FINAL ETHICAL ENQUIRY FORM

SECOND ETHICAL ENQUIRY FORM

FIRST ETHICAL ENQUIRY FORM

ARP PRESENTATION SLIDES FOR 31/01/24

SLIDE 1

Anna-Nicole Ziesche

BA Fashion Design Womenswear Pathway Leader at CSM – 8 years

Teaching on the same course – 20 years

SLIDE 2

SLIDE 3

WHAT IS IT ABOUT

This is a small research project to receive an initial and better view on the relationship of motherhood and teaching at UAL, specifically among CSM BA Fashion staff hoping to generate some form of positive change for staff and therefore, also for students.

RESEARCH QUESTION

What is the Relationship between Motherhood and Teaching?

SLIDE 4

Left photo: My daughter Fione (1 year) and I at The Art of Fashion – Installing Allusions at the Museum Boijmans Van Beuningen, Rotterdam 2009; right photo: The Making of Black Scraptrolley – My daughter Fione (7 years old) and I, 2015

RATIONAL FOR SELECTING THE TOPIC

Personal

Both the PgCert and art practice sustain and advance our teaching practice and students’ experience.

Both I had to postpone because I was not able and not enabled to be a mother, pathway leader, artist, and student.

SLIDE 5

Left image: Mama by Aneta Grzeszykowska, 2018, right image: Book: Motherhood by Ann Coxon, 2023

RATIONAL FOR SELECTING THE TOPIC – Wider context

Three interconnected experiences:

• Viewing Mama by Aneta Grzeszykowska, 2018 at the Venice Biennale The Milk of Dreams curated by Cecilia Alemani in 2022

• An unexpected dialogue about motherhood with Tate Modern Curator Ann Coxon at the Venice Airport 2022

• Finding the book Motherhood by Ann Coxon published in the following year 2023

From here on references kept popping up everywhere.

Key references on my ARP journey were:

• Book: The Baby on the Fire Escape – Creativity, Motherhood, and the Mind-Baby Problem by Julie Phillips 2022

• Artist: Alice Neel

• Exhibition: Women in Revolt! Art and Activism in the UK 1970-1990 at Tate Britain 2023-24

SLIDE 6

KEY RESEARCH METHOD

Emergent approach to qualitative data over time

• Every process constitutes a point of reflection.

• Emerging themes relate to each other, sometimes back and forth – ‘Being in flow’.

• The research methods of how I collect data are equally important as the actual research data itself.

SLIDE 7

RESEARCH METHODS USED TO COLLECT DATA

Convenience sampling strategy

• Participants’ selection is based on the nature of the project: they must be mothers in a teaching environment in this case BA Fashion at CSM.

• The most joyful finding was realising that I had the most knowledgeable, generous and motivated participants embodying a source of endless findings and themes enough to write a book.

• The most painful finding was the participants’ harshness to themselves and the constant fear of being labelled and not good enough, not worthy, ashamed, a bit embarrassed.

7 x 1 hour, 1-2-1 dialogues as opposed to interviews:

• Lived experiences and wisdom constitute an integral part of the project.

• Both the participant and I, the dialogue initiator, are equally active and collectively involved in the project and its outcome.

• The dialogue as a tool worked well empowering one participant to spontaneously turn the questions towards me and all participants to provide me with further references.

Establishing a safe space: Drinking tea or coffee at a table and having a chat

• Sarah Ahmed wrote in Living a feminist life (2017) that feminism cannot be limited to the realm of academia only and should embrace the notion of “home” and women’s personal spaces.

• As I took great care of ensuring a safe space and confidentiality enhanced the participants’ emotional generosity, eagerness to share and to find answers shown in their elaborate replies and emotional reactions.

• Some of the participants thanked me afterwards. The safe space and dialogues created an internal, meaningful shift inside the participants and me.

SLIDE 8

 VISUAL DOCUMENTATION OF THE DIALOGUES (more photos on blog)

• These photographs are an important tool enabling me to share with you a remaining aura around the dialogues without revealing the participants’ identities.   

• The photographs resume the ‘being in flow’ notion and interrelate with my new project ‘Princess Dress continues’.

• I did not analyse the photos because of the small scale of the project.

SLIDE 9

DATA ANALYSIS OF MY FINDINGS:

• Method: Thematic Analysis using a combination of inductive and deductive approach with key reference being Virginia Braun and Victoria Clarke.

• When naming the themes or codes and subgroups I tried to give my participants and their experiences a voice as much as possible by utilising their language combined with my conceptual and theoretical framework.

• Lots of themes were emerging, some overlapping, eventually, I constructed 4 final themes each with 4 subgroups.

KEY FINDING LED TO CONSTRUCT THE SUBGROUPS FURTHER:

• My key finding is the 3^rd theme called ‘Forever evolving Divided Selves – personally and interpersonally’. It describes the constant splitting that mothers need to do and significantly, echoes this ever-evolving ‘tangleness’ of my project, method, and myself.

• This discovery led me to double identify or re-split the subgroups so that they consist of a more formal, neutral version and another freer version revealing myself as both researcher and mother subject.

FINDINGS

My findings consist of 4 themes each with 4 double identified subgroups (except the 4th theme), 1 original data and 1 selected image with a brief annotation representing my wider context.

SLIDE 10

1. Bodily Reality

• Being pregnant at CSM or Waddling Body and Bursting Bladder at a Fashionable CSM
• Giving birth or Bodily Tsunami
• Returning to work after pregnancy at CSM or Returning to CSM while in Bodily Trauma and Bond
• Breastfeeding at CSM or Bodily Pain, Fluids and Demoralising Negotiation at CSM

Quoted Data:

“I remember for me going back to work was the most out of body experience I ever had in my life. So much more than giving birth and the kind of postpartum week.…and it felt so unreal, like what ..am I trying to do here when I should be at home. I felt very strongly that it was wrong, but I also had to do it. I kind of knew I had to ease myself back into it. But it was very uncomfortable.”

Book: Motherhood by Ann Coxon, 2023:

Rineke Dijkstra 1959 –

Julie, Den Haag, Netherlands, February 29 1994 1994

“This photographic portrait, one of three, was created one hour after the woman had given birth to her baby. Posing naked in her home for Dijkstra’s camera, the woman shows vulnerability and strength. This is what new motherhood looks like. Stripped of clothing and protectively cradling their naked babies, the women remind us of the raw, biological fact of the mother’s body as the place in and through which all human life begins.”

SLIDE 11

2. Renegotiating Career

• Motherhood and Work in the fashion industry or Motherhood and Work Made Impossible in Fashion Industry
• Motherhood and Work at CSM (BA Fashion) or Motherhood is Zero Recognised at CSM
• Childcare or Charity Work
• Motherhood and Teaching or Teaching is not My First Choice

Quoted Data:

“I saw that pregnant women were immediately fired or would not return to work. If they did return to work, they were pushed out. And being completely honest, although it’s not very admirable of me to say, I don’t think that I would be working in education if I hadn’t had the wish to become a mother.”

From Tate Britain exhibition: Women in Revolt! Art and Activism in the UK 1970-1990

Image annotation:

Shirley Verhoeven 1932-1999

Born England, worked UK

Portfolio 1989

Pen and coloured pencil on paper

Verhoeven worked as an illustrator at Camberwell Borough Council, Decca Records and advertising agency developing promotional materials for West End theatres. In 1962, following the birth of her first child she stopped creating art work and took a job in Woolworth to support her growing family. In 1982, at the age of 50, Verhoeven began seeking creative work again. Portfolio was part of the portfolio she devised in her successful pursuit of paid work. It depicts an archetype young woman executive in the 1980s, dressed in a sophisticated ‘power’ suit and using the latest technology.

SLIDE 12

3. Forever evolving Divided Selves – Personally and Interpersonally

• Internal Divide Being A Mother or Old and New Self – I can’t quite fit the 2 together.

• Internal Divide Being A Mother and A Professional or Being Professional Means Hiding Being a Mother
• Divide Between Parents And Non-Parents or You are one of them until you become a mum yourself.
• Dividing Mothers & Non-Mothers into other Mother- Selves or Non-Parents Wanting to be Mothered

Quoted Data:

“I think there is a shame that you feel, shame that you feel as a professional person to be also a family woman.”

SLIDE 13

4. Artist-Mother

• Artist and Professional
• Artist and Motherhood
• Dichotomy – Art and Child – what comes first?
• Artist, Mother and Professional

Quoted Data:

“But equally it feels like my creative work, not working for other people, but my creative, my need to make things, to design or to draw or to whatever, also feels like an absolute like something in spite of me. It’s not like I can just switch it off. And so it’s just been very difficult to know how to give importance to those 2 things.”

SLIDE 14

REFERENCES TO RELEVANT LITERATURE

• Artwork: Mama by Aneta Grzeszykowska, 2018

• Coxon, Ann, Motherhood, Tate Enterprises Ltd, 2023

• Phillips, Julie, The Baby on the Fire Escape – Creativity, Motherhood, and the Mind-Baby Problem, W.W. Norton & Company Ltd, 2022

• Artist: Alice Neel

• Exhibition: Women in Revolt! Art and Activism in the UK 1970-1990 at Tate Britain 2023-24

• Dick, Bob Making the most of emergent methodologies: a critical choice in qualitative research design. A paper prepared for the Association for Qualitative Research conference, Melbourne, 5-7 July, 2001 http://www.aral.com.au/DLitt/DLitt_P48emerg.pdf

• Ravitch, Dr. Sharon, Methods in Flux: Emphasis on Emergent Design by Sharon Ravitch Dr. Sharon Ravitch is a regular Methodspace contributor, and served as the Mentor in Residence in March 2022, https://www.methodspace.com/blog/methods-in-flux-emphasis-on-emergent-design

• Ahmed, Sarah, Living a feminist life, Duke University Press Books, 3 Feb. 2017

• Hill Collins, Patricia, Paper: Why Citation matters: Ideas on a feminist approach to research by Christina Templin (SoSe 2021).

• Hooks, Bell, Talking Back, Thinking Feminist, Thinking Black, Routledge Taylor & Francis Group New York London, 1989, p.131

• Kara, Helen, Creative Research Methods in the Social Sciences: A Practical Guide, Policy Press; 1st edition 10 April 2015

• Sage Research Methods Social Research: A Practical Introduction, SAGE Publications, 2011

• Braun, Virginia and Clarke, Victoria in APA handbook of research methods in psychology, Vol. 2: Research designs: Quantitative, qualitative, neuropsychological, and biological (pp.57-71) Edition: First Chapter: Thematic analysis, 2012

ARP PRESENTATION IN WRITTEN DETAIL AND UNEDITED

(WITHOUT VISUALS)

• original context / background,
  • rationale for selecting the topic,
  • reflection on research method/s used,
  • summary of project findings,
  • references to relevant literature (using the Harvard method),

Warning:

Initially, I would like to mention that my topic is sensitive because it evolves around motherhood and some of my peers may feel uncomfortable hearing about this theme, so please, take the liberty and don’t listen to this presentation if it makes you uncomfortable in any way.

Secondly, my presentation constitutes a visual journey following the suggested order of context, rationale, research methods, findings and reference because I thought this might be more interesting for the audience and also represents me well because I am a visual artist..

Original context / background – the professional context in brief about your project

• show 10 sec film ‘Princess Dress’ 2016

What is the project about:

This is a small research project not to generalise but to receive an initial and better view on the relationship of motherhood and teaching at UAL, specifically among CSM BA Fashion staff which is generating some form of positive change for staff and therefore, also for students.

Research question: What is the relationship between motherhood and teaching?

Rationale for selecting the topic – both personal and backed up by literature

Personal context:

I am the BA Fashion Womenswear Pathway Leader at CSM for nearly 9 years, I have taught on the same course for nearly 21 years, and I am 51. Not even 1 year into the role of the BA Fashion Womenswear pathway leader I had to give up being an artist because I couldn’t handle being a mother, pathway leader and artist.

The reason why I am doing the PgCert only now is that I was unable to be a mother, teacher, artist, and student. As both of my children are now in secondary school, I embarked on the PgCert. Both the PgCert and also art practice nourishes our teaching practice and students’ experience, so I wanted to find out about the experiences and journeys of other mother-teacher-artists on the CSM BA Fashion.

Wider context

In 2022 I went to the Venice Biennale the first time in my life, which was curated by a Cecilia Alemani and called ‘The Milk of Dreams’. The shown artwork left a strong impression and stayed in my mind after the visit. In addition, I met the curator Ann Coxon during my visit who I knew from my time as security guard at Tate Modern prior to having children. Being both in the presence of our children we ended up speaking about motherhood and work.

The following year Ann Coxon published the book ‘Motherhood’ – and now wherever I look there are exhibitions and literature investigating Motherhood and feminism. The book The Baby on the Fire Escape – Creativity, Motherhood, and the Mind-Baby Problem by Julie Phillips, the artist Alice Neel and the exhibition Women in Revolt! Art and Activism in the UK 1970-1990 constitute key moments on my ARP journey.

Reflection on research method/s used – evidence of process, show what you did

My project focusses on an emergent approach to qualitative data over time which means every process constitutes a point of reflection and emerging themes relating to each other, sometimes back and forth, which I describe as ‘being in flow’.

My new artwork with working title ‘Princess Dress Continues’ which I presented while still being in progress during the talk ‘Notes on Motherhood’ to the CSM Fashion Research and Knowledge Exchange community is part of this cycle.

As I am investigating motherhood, lived experiences and wisdom constitute an integral part of the project. To reflect this my methods of how I collect the research data are equally important as the actual research data itself. Therefore, I held dialogues as opposed to interviews to emphasise the change of positions in that both the participants and I, the project investigator, are on the same level. This stresses and confirms the active and collective involvement of the participant in the project and its outcome. In her book Talking Back, Thinking Feminist, Thinking Black (1989) Bell Hooks describes a similar notion in that she states: “Dialogue implies talk between two subjects, not the speech of subject and object. It is a humanizing speech, one that challenges and resists domination.”

Drinking tea or coffee at a table and having a chat. 

In her book Living a feminist life (2017) the author Sarah Ahmed proposes that feminism cannot be limited to the realm of academia only and should embrace the notion of “home” and women’s personal spaces. Similarly, in my new artwork I am exploring a traditional setting of women sitting at a table drinking tea or coffee and discussing various themes from a young age onwards. This led me to the idea of establishing a space such as booking the old student café at CSM, for holding the dialogues at a table and drinking tea or coffee. As I wanted to offer something in return to my participants, I offered a refreshment in form of a tea or coffee and small selection of light, healthy snacks.

For this project I applied a convenience sampling strategy which means that I selected the participants based on the nature of the project in that they must be mothers in a teaching environment in this case BA Fashion at CSM. I held 7 confidential 1-2-1 dialogues which took around 1 hour each. The participants varied on race,ethnicity and age but were all academics working on BA Fashion. The interviews were all audio-recorded and then transcribed through an online programme called Transcript.

Reflection on methods as tools:

Looking at my chosen methods as a tool my action of taking noticeable care of creating a safe space and a space of appreciation for my participants enhanced the participants’ emotional generosity, eagerness to share and to find answers. The ethics form and confidentiality were so important in this dialogue context that I would describe them as another research method and tool.

The dialogue as a tool of actively bringing the project investigator and the participant to an equal level succeeded in that one of the participants felt empowered to spontaneously turn the questions towards me and others provided me with further sources of references. Further, the notion of verbal spontaneity when responding to questions provides the project investigator with very different, possibly more honest and therefore, more interesting answers than a written questionnaire.

The photographs of the dialogues’s setting are an important tool enabling me to share with you, my audience, a remaining energy or aura around the dialogues captured through photography. They resume the ‘being in flow’ notion and interrelate with my art project ‘Princess Dress continues’ and were also the only possible form of documenting visually the dialogues without revealing the participants’ identity, and confidentiality was a vital element throughout this project. However, I did not utilise the photos for analysis because the small scale of the ARP does not allow this.

Looking at myself being the project investigator or dialogue initiator I did not anticipate the weight of responsibility I felt during each dialogue and the mental exhaustions throughout the dialogues and later analysis. My all-encompassing – body and mind – and in-constant-flow methods, resulted in endless possible findings and could easily form a book. Concluding the applied methods require a lot of time.

The actual questions worked well in that the participants did not all respond in a particular way to the questions and therefore, said the same thing instead there was a recognisable pattern because the women generally had experienced and felt similar notions.

Summary of project findings (findings and summary) – what you found out, from your primary and secondary materials, data collection and analysis

Data Analysis of my Findings:

Once I had managed to create my endless pages of transcripts originating from my 7 one-hour long dialogues which took a while because all free ai programmes only do a certain number of minutes and so I ended up using a few apps and Microsoft Word piecing the different bits of transcripts together. Only later I realised that my partner had subscribed to the mentioned online programme Transcript which then speeded up the process immensely. I then created transcripts from all dialogues through the programme so that I could ensure consistency as consistency and coherence are important in data collection and analysis. 

As I felt a sense of achievement having managed 7 dialogues, created, and read 7 transcripts I was quite enthusiastic and adventurous which led me to just diving into re-reading, re-listening and starting to split up the transcripts into common themes without knowing anything tangible about this process. The only concept which seemed obvious to me was to keep the data in its original format as much as possible, so I didn’t modify it except removing any data that would reveal the participants’ identity. As mentioned above confidentiality was a core element of this project. I would go that far and describe it as one of my methods. Also, very early on I made the decision not to analyse non-speech sounds such as laughter, coughs, sighs etc. or body language as this would have required a lot of time and expertise I do not have (you can find more about this in my blog).

However, I slowly started to feel unequipped as I am not a trained researcher and had never done research interviews nor data analysis before. I simply did not understand the meaning of terms such as ‘findings’, ‘codes’ and ‘data’ in my context because I had a collection of different texts describing lived experiences and stories not numbers. So, I started reading about different methods. In Creative Research Methods in the Social Sciences: A Practical Guide by Helen Kara, 2015, explains that data analysis is complex and stresses it is vital to not invent or distort data but also that there is no ‘best way’ or ‘right answer’ which I had found reassuring.

Sage Research Methods Social Research: A Practical Introduction, SAGE Publications, 2011, mentions the two main, established methods for qualitative approaches are discourse analysis and conversation analysis (you can find more about this in my blog).Both analyses represent overly complex concepts and applying them without possessing more knowledge would seem to me that I would run the risk of being illusive in the sense that I would see things in my dialogues which might not be truthful.

I settled on ‘Thematic Analysis’ because I was doing it already without knowing the term for it, it seemed accessible and as Virginia Braun and Victoria Clarke in APA handbook of research methods in psychology, Vol. 2: Research designs: Quantitative, qualitative, neuropsychological, and biological (pp.57-71) Edition: First Chapter: Thematic analysis, 2012, explain it is helpful for people who are new to qualitative research. It ‘teaches the mechanics of coding and analysing qualitative data systematically, which can then be linked to broader theoretical or conceptual issues.’ They also mention that thematic analysis is beneficial in context with participatory action research.

Importantly, Braun and Clarke stress that thematic analysis is purely a ‘method of data analysis’ as opposed to an ‘approach’ which guides the researcher through the findings. 

Further it is a flexible method that enables the researcher to investigate the data in various ways and therefore, suits a wide range of research subjects and questions.

Braun and Clarke continue explaining more specifically that there are two approaches within thematic analysis: inductive and deductive approach. Utilising the inductive approach the researcher maps and analysis the codes and themes originating from the content of the data. While the deductive approach means that the researcher comes with an existing list of themes or concepts to decipher the data.

I used a combination of inductive and deductive approach which according to Braun and Clarke is the norm. Although different themes kept emerging, I realised that there were a lot of overlaps, so I applied a process of drawing themes together and creating subgroups. Having chosen thematic analysis as approach it enabled me to give my participants and their experiences a voice as much as possible by utilising their language combined with my conceptual and theoretical framework when naming the themes or codes and subgroups. This process constitutes a vital revelation for me because I understood that themes do not need to be neutral as I had initially assumed, instead, they are constructed and my interpretation.

Eventually, I constructed 4 final themes or codes each with 4 subgroups. One of my key findings is the 3^rd code which I called ‘Forever evolving Divided Selves – personally and interpersonally’ describing the constant splitting that mothers need to do. Significantly, it echoes and interrelates my emergent, in constant flow research approach, the findings and myself. This discovery led me back to the beginning when I had understood that how I do things in this project are equally important as the actual research data itself. Therefore, I double identified the sub-themes so that they now consist of a more formal, neutral version and another freer version revealing myself as both researcher and mother subject. It shows this ever-evolving ‘tangleness’ of my project, method and myself. Early on in the ARP I created a circular graphic explaining my process which you can view on my blog.  

Findings:

The actual themes and subgroups are under the separate category ‘Findings’.

To what extent are you satisfied with the difference your project has made (social justice)?

Considering that this is supposed to be a small research project I am satisfied with the difference my project made as it created a strong, internal shift in myself and in the participants which they expressed to me directly after the dialogue or a few days later. It felt meaningful.

I did the talk ‘Notes on Motherhood’ to the CSM Fashion Research and Knowledge Exchange community, received research funding following the talk, applied to a conference encouraged by my tutor and took part in the UAL Parents and Carers Staff Network meeting for the first time. During all these opportunities I talked about my ARP and findings and received further data and information in return.

Future research + next steps/action:

• taking it to management
• new research around: divided selves with focus on artist + mother because according to my findings an artist already starts with a divided self prior being a mother such as is art not a bit of a ‘luxury’ or ‘indulgence’ when it doesn’t help anyone etc.
• or looking deeper into the actual socio-political context, expectations, presumptions, and origins which cause a particular behaviour of the mother because social norms dictate the mother’s responses and definitions about themselves and also their social awkwardness mentioned during the dialogues such as ‘…I just always felt that it wasn’t something that was appropriate to discuss. …I don’t know why we kind of cast this subject aside or make it invisible.’
• My tutor Rachel M. kindly informed my about the new support for students in form of a Parenthood and Caring Support Agreement which is peculiar because I mentioned to the UAL Parent and Carer Network that it would be really beneficial for staff who are New Parents to have a written form of support and health & safety in place which could be signed off like a PRA by the line-manager.

The new support below mentions primarily students and less staff so there is still quite a bit to improve. Also, the current breastfeeding space at CSM is still the prayer space which is for many reasons unacceptable.   

https://canvas.arts.ac.uk/News/240514/an-update-about-our-approach-to-welcoming-children-on-site-and-supporting-parents-and-carers

https://www.arts.ac.uk/students/student-diversity/student-parent-and-carer-support

https://www.arts.ac.uk/__data/assets/pdf_file/0032/414689/Student-parenthood-and-caring-support-guidance_v1a_11.2023.pdf

references to relevant literature both on methods and on your topic

• Artwork: Mama by Aneta Grzeszykowska, 2018
• Coxon, Ann, Motherhood, Tate Enterprises Ltd, 2023
• Phillips, Julie, The Baby on the Fire Escape – Creativity, Motherhood, and the Mind-Baby Problem, W.W. Norton & Company Ltd, 2022
• Artist: Alice Neel
• Exhibition: Women in Revolt! Art and Activism in the UK 1970-1990 at Tate Britain 2023-24
• Dick, Bob Making the most of emergent methodologies: a critical choice in qualitative research design. A paper prepared for the Association for Qualitative Research conference, Melbourne, 5-7 July, 2001 http://www.aral.com.au/DLitt/DLitt_P48emerg.pdf
• Ravitch, Dr. Sharon, Methods in Flux: Emphasis on Emergent Design by Sharon Ravitch Dr. Sharon Ravitch is a regular Methodspace contributor, and served as the Mentor in Residence in March 2022, https://www.methodspace.com/blog/methods-in-flux-emphasis-on-emergent-design
• Ahmed, Sarah, Living a feminist life, Duke University Press Books, 3 Feb. 2017
• Hill Collins, Patricia, Paper: Why Citation matters: Ideas on a feminist approach to research by Christina Templin (SoSe 2021).
• Hooks, Bell, Talking Back, Thinking Feminist, Thinking Black, Routledge Taylor & Francis Group New York London, 1989, p.131
• Kara, Helen, Creative Research Methods in the Social Sciences: A Practical Guide, Policy Press; 1st edition 10 April 2015
• Sage Research Methods Social Research: A Practical Introduction, SAGE Publications, 2011
• Braun, Virginia and Clarke, Victoria in APA handbook of research methods in psychology, Vol. 2: Research designs: Quantitative, qualitative, neuropsychological, and biological (pp.57-71) Edition: First Chapter: Thematic analysis, 2012

• Research Talk: I NEED TO ADD THE TALK’S NOTE, REACTIONS, IMAGES

Notes on Motherhood

at Central Saint Martins

17:00-18:00

19th of October

My colleague wrote the following blurb about the research talk session:

How does the immensely complex lived experience that is motherhood inform a woman’s creative work? But also, and just as crucially, how does it interfere with it, disable and ruin it? For Anna-Nicole, childhood and motherhood emerged as artistic themes almost simultaneously with becoming a mother. And yet, painfully, she also stopped working for a number of years, unable to sustain artistic practice on top of other domestic and professional demands on her. In our conversation, then, we will try to connect the dots delving into our own experiences as mothers, but especially Anna-Nicole’s film work, to think about the impact of motherhood on creativity.

Ann Coxon, Motherhood, 2023: ‘Due to the slow shutter speeds, however, it was often necessary for the mother or nanny to be present within the frame, to keep the child still. It was therefore common for the mother to hide behind chairs and drapery, giving the resulting photographs a somewhat sinister aspect to the contemporary eye. The Victorian equivalent of using your child’s photograph as a profile picture on social media, the ‘hidden mother’ photographs speak volumes about the pride and selflessness of new mothers, who in this case have erased themselves from the pictures.’

Mavor, Carol, Becoming, The photographs of Clementina, Viscountess Hawarden, Duke University Press, 1999

Parker, Rozsika, The experience of maternal ambivalence, Torn in Two, Virago Press, 1995

Cusk, Rachel, A life’s work on becoming a mother, Faber & Faber; Main edition (16 May 2019)

Photographs of: Clementina Maude, Sally Mann and Julia Margaret Cameron

Ndiritu, Grace , Labour, at Kate MacGarry Gallery, London, 2023

Buskova, Tereza, Baked Woman of Doubice, 2012

Phillips, Julie, The Baby on the Fire Escape – Creativity, Motherhood, and the Mind-Baby Problem, W.W. Norton & Company Ltd, 2022

Artist: Alice Neel

Documentary Alice Neel, Director: Andrew Neel, 2007

Exhibition: Women in Revolt! Art and Activism in the UK 1970-1990 at Tate Britain 2023-24

Dick, Bob Making the most of emergent methodologies: a critical choice in qualitative research design. A paper prepared for the Association for Qualitative Research conference, Melbourne, 5-7 July, 2001 http://www.aral.com.au/DLitt/DLitt_P48emerg.pdf

Ravitch, Dr. Sharon, Methods in Flux: Emphasis on Emergent Design by Sharon Ravitch Dr. Sharon Ravitch is a regular Methodspace contributor, and served as the Mentor in Residence in March 2022, https://www.methodspace.com/blog/methods-in-flux-emphasis-on-emergent-design

Ahmed, Sarah, Living a feminist life, Duke University Press Books, 3 Feb. 2017

Hill Collins, Patricia, Paper: Why Citation matters: Ideas on a feminist approach to research by Christina Templin (SoSe 2021).

Hooks, Bell, Talking Back, Thinking Feminist, Thinking Black, Routledge Taylor & Francis Group New York London, 1989, p.131

Kara, Helen, Creative Research Methods in the Social Sciences: A Practical Guide, Policy Press; 1st edition 10 April 2015

Sage Research Methods Social Research: A Practical Introduction, SAGE Publications, 2011

Braun, Virginia and Clarke, Victoria in APA handbook of research methods in psychology, Vol. 2: Research designs: Quantitative, qualitative, neuropsychological, and biological (pp.57-71) Edition: First Chapter: Thematic analysis, 2012

https://academic.oup.com/humrep/article/37/11/2611/6751717

https://www.arts.ac.uk/students/stories/baby-change-making-stories-and-experiences-of-parenting-at-ual

https://graduateshowcase.arts.ac.uk/projects?_q=Motherhood

https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/apr/01/the-kingdom-of-women-the-tibetan-tribe-where-a-man-is-never-the-boss

Mosuo – China matriarchal community

TRIGGER WARNING – THIS IMAGE MIGHT BE UPSETTING

Notes on first 1-2-1 tutorial – 13/10/23

My initial aim for the ARP: to include Motherhood in the career advisory service at UAL

As most of the female students at UAL face the fact that they will eventually have to split their time between their paid profession and their life’s unpaid profession called motherhood I wanted to achieve that motherhood will be included as a profession in the career advisory service at UAL.

My tutor: “We recommend not to talk about motherhood to students”.

“This project constitutes a risk to the students and yourself.”

“You risk your, the PgCert team’s and UAL’s reputation.”

“Currently, you could be seen as transphobic.”

Having worked for UAL for a long time I knew subconsciously when developing my initial idea for the ARP that this would not be accepted however, hearing my inner voice spoken out loud by my tutor was a strange sensation, like a reality check. 

Chat with my dear friend:

Sharing my tutorial with my friend the next day who used to be a fine artist and now the mother of two or how she calls herself (sarcastically) ‘a lady of leisure’, my friend was shocked and exclaimed that this is a project in itself. However, quite quickly we both agreed that I have not the time or energy to embark on this battle and also my tutors who most likely had similar thoughts primarily want to protect me and my well-being. – STILL the conclusion is that an idea around ‘motherhood’ and some form of ‘improvement or change’ must remain and be the project.

Further thoughts during my 1-2-1 tutorial:

What is my agenda?

What is important to me?

What am I trying to achieve?

What are the benefits of all this?

What can this work inform? Well-being?

Autoethnographic – research my own story

A dialogue with individual staff rather than a written questionnaire

How can you create a safe space

Further reflections on tutorial:

What is the relationship between motherhood and teaching? How does motherhood inform teaching-practice? How does motherhood inform our work at UAL in general?

Women and education – I used to wonder so often how I ended up teaching; why would I be good at teaching young adults?

Concluding, I want to do something small and compact around motherhood and higher education but involving staff possibly only the staff on the BA Fashion.

At the end of my tutorial my tutor considered the following:

• observe: talk
• plan: talk
• action: talk
• reflection: talk

Planning my Talk ‘Notes on Motherhood’

• the reason for the talk: getting back into making art after 7 years of not making any art and being recognised for my artwork/my identity with CSM/UAL. Trying to find my identity again.
• I was ready to take 2 massive risks: presenting unfinished/in process artwork and talking about motherhood in the work context
• Importantly, halfway through the panning I decided to present a ‘compromise of motherhood’ because I was afraid of the mix of audience which I didn’t know and also, I didn’t necessarily share my tutor’s belief that I will be presenting in a safe environment. Additionally, I did not want to make my male colleagues who have no children feel uncomfortable or bore them. – This made me wonder how important it is to me ‘to please others’ and be perceptive and sensitive to other’s feelings – possibly enhanced through motherhood.

Action: Talk ‘Notes on Motherhood’

The talk went really well especially, as everyone made me feel safe and appreciated in a way I have not experienced before. This was a real noticeable shift and significantly helped created an internal shift and boost of confidence. However, whenever I was asked questions around motherhood, I felt uncomfortable particularly as I continuously did not want to ‘bore’ my male audiences and I tried to keep my answers brief. The audience was a mix of male and female colleagues including both of my bosses.

My male boss asked me whether I feel in any way resentful towards my children.

Reflection on Talk:

Add Marketa’s question about my childhood and my focus on ‘trying to unlearn’…. perhaps add Nina’s email content properly as quote

The hidden mother/motherhood

• In my talk I spoke about ‘hidden mothers’ in photographs and in life. I described that I take on the role of the observer and facilitator – always being in the background listening and ready to jump – as mother (and as teacher). One of my colleagues stated that she can really associate herself with that.
• When my colleagues and I start to talk about motherhood we literally start to whisper.
• One of my colleagues apologised for being unable to attend the talk stating that she really wanted to come because most of the time she pretends not having any children when being at work.

Motherhood + artwork + work = one entity

• Coming back to autoethnography: as my colleague pointed out it is interesting how I combine footage of my personal life and artwork footage together into one piece.

Sharing my camera (=creating artwork) with my children:

• Together we (the audience and me) unravelled that there is a significance in the fact that I passed my camera to my children and therefore, included them actively in developing and making the art piece. I am usually not on private photos visible because I am mostly the one who takes the pictures.

Strong sense of togetherness and connectedness and wanting to do something about it but not knowing how because we have no time or energy or feel safe. It feels like a ‘secret motherhood society’.

My peers’ feedback / action learning set:

• Peer: “It has to be motherhood and non-motherhood (for women who want babies and are unable to have any). I wished somebody had told me when I was younger – planting a seed.”
• Peer: “I have started to introduce myself as ‘mother’ first to my students before I talk about what I accomplished in my career.”
• Peer: “Perhaps you can research how staff have got time to do their CPD (continuing professional development). As mother you remain stuck at the same level because there is no time for professional development.”
• Peer: “As mother you are hiding a part of yourself, your identity and therefore, you are not a person, you are an employee. It is de-humanising.”

SAFE SPACE

• Safe space is when nobody can listen in
• Be aware that participants may associate trauma or discomfort with motherhood.
• Participants may share discrimination at work when talking about motherhood.
• Wellbeing Room (K project space pod); Wellbeing Rooms – designed to be used for rest, nursing or expressing milk, or for other health-, wellbeing or disability-related reasons; Do not use Quiet Spaces for group discussions or meetings – instead, refer to your local room booking system to arrange an appropriate space. Keep your visit as brief as possible.

What is a safe space for women?

Drinking tea or coffee at the kitchen table – ideally, I would like to create mugs out of broken cups possibly with drawings relating to motherhood on them and give each participant a mug.

Or I could create pendants out of broken teacups like an award inspired by the German mother-cross and the teaching award which I received once.

This idea derives from my mother who passed away and left 5 coffee sets behind, but women don’t really set the table for afternoon coffee/tea anymore. It is also an idea I explored in my new art piece.  Perhaps I can start creating mugs or pendants after this project and give those to participants in retrospect.

Citation text I read:

Why Citation matters: Ideas on a feminist approach

to research – Christina Templin (SoSe 2021)

The key thought of this text is that we tend to reproduce existing knowledge because we tend to use the same references of white men. As a consequence, we reproduce oppressive knowledge and structures of racism and sexism that silence other marginalized voices. – Looking at my above findings it seems that we continue to silence the voice of motherhood at work.

Christina Templin mentions theblogpost by an Australian teacher, who came up with a few questions to ask ourselves when reflecting on our list of references:

• How does this list of references situate my work in the field? With what kind of scholarship am I aligning my work?
• From what nations, cultures and classes do my references come? To what extent do they represent Euro- or Anglo- centric ways of knowing and being?
• What is the gender mix of my reference list?
• Whose voices are silent? Whose scholarship have I ignored or excluded? – again the voice of motherhood is silenced or is at least whispered.

The text stresses that black feminist scholars such as Patricia Hill Collins turn to alternative ways of producing and validating knowledge emphasising the importance of lived ‘collective experiences’, ‘collective wisdom’ and the‘belief in connectedness and the use of dialogue’.

Dialogue

Bell Hooks said: “Dialogue implies talk between two subjects, not the speech of subject and object. It is a humanizing speech, one that challenges and resists domination.”

‘Sarah Ahmed tries to create a link between a theory of feminism and the everyday experiences of women dealing with racism and sexism, arguing that feminism can never be restricted to the field of academia but rather has to be brought “home” into women’s personal spaces.’

Concluding my text about citations related closely to my thoughts and encouraged me to go ahead with ‘dialogues’ and to believe not only in the importance but more significantly in the value of the ‘lived experience’ which motherhood represents. The more I share my thoughts and connect with colleagues and peers the more I begin to see the further importance of ‘collective wisdom’ and the ‘safe space’.  

The ‘safe space’ for my conducted dialogues should feel ‘like home’. The idea of tea/coffee mugs would help including possibly a small tablecloth – props representing ‘home’. If I had endless time perhaps the best would be to visit all participants near or in their home.

What do you want?

1. CSM/UAL needs to recognise that staff who are mothers are not able to develop their teaching practice without any additional support from CSM/UAL unless their children are older and have no additional caring needs.
2. CSM/UAL needs to recognise what consequences this has on the staff’s well-being who are mothers such as self-deprecation, lack of confidence and self-respect, emptiness, loss of identity etc. and sacrificing their own needs unproportionally to ensure the required teaching practice development next to the usual work requirements.
3. CSM/UAL needs to show visibly that they recognise ‘motherhood’ as a state of being and value motherhood through including the actual word ‘motherhood’ in their communication so that mothers stop whispering and hiding their identity.

Why does it matter to me? Why does it matter to the world?

• I am a mother and work part-time since being a mother.
• I had to give up my artwork because I could not handle work, motherhood and artwork.  
• I also was not able to do my PgCert earlier because of my young children and now after having taught for 20 years it does not feel quite appropriate
• Several of my friends prompt me to do my artwork again especially in the last couple of years.
• My tutor prompt me to interrelate my artwork with my teaching practice.
• Having reached 51, lost both of my parents in recent years, having 2 teenage daughters, having been menopausal for 9 years and having taught for 20 years I feel like an empty shell and so ideally, I want to try to do something that matters to me personally.
• I do not regret having children at all, quite the opposite however, I very much sympathise with the above quote by Rachel Cusk, in that I felt too overwhelmed in making a decision of becoming a mother or not and went through with it because I was not able to decide and ‘the clock was ticking’. It felt as Rachel Cusk describes ‘determined by forces greater than myself’. Had I been a bit more engaged with the prospect of having children earlier in my life would have helped.
• I want to make a change and want to establish that staff who are mothers are enabled to pursue developing their teaching and other practice further.

Working title: Motherhood – A life’s unpaid profession or Why is Motherhood not part of the career advisory service at UAL?

Rachel Cusk, A life’s work on becoming a mother, 2001

Introduction page 1-2:

‘I regarded it as a threat, a form of disability that marked me out as unequal. But women must and do live with the prospect of childbirth: some dread it, some long for it, and some manage it so successfully as to give other people the impression that they never even think about it. My own strategy was to deny it, and so I arrived at the fact of motherhood shocked and unprepared, ignorant of what the consequences of this arrival would be, and with the unfounded but distinct impression that my journey there had been at once so random and so determined by forces greater than myself that I could hardly be said to have had any choice in the matter at all.’

Cyril Connolly, Enemies of Promise, Part 2: Charlock’s Shade, London 1938: ‘There is no more sombre enemy of good art than the pram in the hallway.’ Ann Coxon, Motherhood, 2023: ‘It is worth noting here that Connolly’s misogynistic statement was in fact referring to the artist’s wife and child as distractions (assuming that the artist is male).’

In the UK, 18% of women are childless at the end of their reproductive lives and 50% of 30-year-old women are childless (Office for National Statistics (ONS), 2020).

Possible questions:

• Are CSM students whose female sex was assigned by birth engaged with the fact that most of them live with the prospect of childbirth and Motherhood?
• Are CSM students whose female sex was assigned by birth engaged with the fact that most of them will eventually have to split their time between their paid profession and their unpaid profession as mother?

My goal:

As most of the female students at UAL face the fact that they will eventually have to split their time between their paid profession and their unpaid profession as mother I want to achieve that motherhood will be included as a profession in the career advisory service at UAL.

Why does it matter to me? Why does it matter to the world?

• I am a mother and work part-time since being a mother.
• I had to give up my artwork because I could not handle work, motherhood and artwork.  
• I want to make a change and want to engage young women in the fact that most women live with the prospect of childbirth and Motherhood is an unpaid profession however, it is not included in the career advisory service.
• Several of my friends prompt me to do my artwork again especially in the last couple of years.
• My tutor prompt me to interrelate my artwork with my teaching practice.
• Having reached 51, lost both of my parents in recent years, having 2 teenage daughters, having been menopausal for 9 years and having taught for 20 years I feel like an empty shell and so ideally, I want to try to do something that matters to me personally.
• I do not regret having children at all, quite the opposite however, I very much sympathise with the above quote by Rachel Cusk, in that I felt too overwhelmed in making a decision of becoming a mother or not and went through with it because I was not able to decide and ‘the clock was ticking’. It felt as Rachel Cusk describes ‘determined by forces greater than myself’. Had I been a bit more engaged with the prospect of having children earlier in my life would have helped.
• I want to make a change and want to engage young women in the fact that most of them will be potential mothers and those children might have disabilities, anxieties, depressions etc. you will not be a mother only but a special carer and educator.
• Two years ago, I had a student in the 2^nd year who did a project about believing that she should not give birth and become a mother because of our environmental issues. This really moved me a lot in that I felt young women should not have to take on such immense burden and responsibility.

Research question & keywords

Where are you up to?

I have identified my subject:

• I define motherhood as an unpaid profession and believe it should be part of the career advisory service at UAL.
• For this project I would like to focus only on women whose female sex was assigned by birth.

Female students at UAL:

• should be made aware of and supported in the fact that most of them will have to split their time between their paid profession and their unpaid profession as mother.
• should be made aware of and supported in the fact that their motherhood will most likely involve being a carer and educator of their children who will have anxieties, depressions, or disabilities etc. – hopefully, I can communicate this less frightening, but I think it is important to make the point that all of our students with numerous conditions and learning disabilities are children of mothers.

This motherhood career advisory service should be executed in an informative and most importantly positive manner because I personally would like to promote motherhood however, I understand that this is not possible as UAL needs to remain neutral.

Possible questions:

• Are CSM students whose female sex was assigned by birth engaged with the fact that most of them live with the prospect of childbirth and Motherhood?
• Are CSM students whose female sex was assigned by birth engaged with the fact that most of them will eventually have to split their time between their paid profession and their unpaid profession as mother?

Actions:

• My art project: A video consisting primarily of endless photographs combined with video footage.Working title: Princess Dress continues

• Workshop proposl: the proposal is still in process.

I would like to do a workshop with CSM BA Fashion Womenswear students whose female sex was assigned by birth. The workshop would be optional. However, I intend to run it alongside the research practice-led project in the 2^nd year Womenswear so that I have a better chance of getting some voluntary students involved. I will also ask final year womenswear students. Through the workshop I want to encourage female students to engage with the reality of having to choose whether they want to be a mother or not and that there is a time limit to it.

I intend to ask the students to bring a photo of a naked baby (that could be of themselves, siblings, parents etc.). Everyone will need to kneel on the floor because once you have children you will be kneeling on the floor for quite a few years. The students will get a small amount of clay and will be asked to create a small baby maybe not bigger than a hand full. Depending on the amount of clay they might be able to produce more than one baby if they want to.

I will not instruct the students how to create the small baby as it could take on any form – abstract, realistic, fantastie etc. – it is up to the students how they want to engage with the activity. I will join and also create a baby.

At the end the students will be able to choose if they want to get their clay babies fired in a kiln or leave them just to dry. If one chooses to leave the clay to dry, then it represents the time limit women have because the air-dried clay will break eventually.   

• Questionnaire:

I intend to create a questionnaire for female students to find out whether they think about babies, motherhood, work etc. I also want to create a second questionnaire and ask staff what they think about my idea.

How are you feeling about it?

On the one side I am excited because this project coincides with my art project and is about who I am. However, on the other side I am very nervous because this is not a ‘sexy’ research topic and adds to my usual perception of motherhood as being little valued or respected.

What do you need to know more about?

• Research what statistics have been conducted already
• Research what UAL, students and staff have done in this context
• https://www.arts.ac.uk/students/student-careers/careers-support-for-students
• I need to look at this more closely and find similar surveys https://academic.oup.com/humrep/article/37/11/2611/6751717
• Research what kind of artistic motherhood workshops other have been done

What is the next thing you are going to do?

• Speak to the ceramics department at CSM
• Refining everything much more and researching more what has been done in this context.
• Find out what kind of questions similar surveys asked
• Look at the ethics guidelines